Encounters and Reunions

I personally love meeting new people as long as they have something to contribute in expanding my views on different matters. Despite the restrictions that were in place on travelling, I still managed to meet quite a lot of new faces in my life. Some are expected as I started a new career, some are old friends who I have not seen for ages and a handful are total strangers that strike up a conversation with me.

Despite how people say technology keeps us apart, I find it somewhat comforting that it works the opposite way for me. I met new people online

---

The preceding paragraph was written by me in 2021. It is now almost September 2023. I have met more strangers and befriended quite a lot of people along the way. I have said quite a few goodbyes, and I always hated that feeling. Things come and go, and I cannot control that. Despite all my attempts to say that I should not worry about the things that I cannot control; in truth, I do wish that I could’ve done better. I miss the people who are no longer in my life, I wish I could say just a bit more but even if I did, I doubt it will do any good. I am a bit burnt out from my day job and it seems that it’s harder for me to look forward to going to work nowadays. I am writing because I just had a weird attack where my breathing was shallow and I guess I’m just trying to make sense of things right now.

I have a friend who made it out of the country and manged to migrate out. Maybe I should hit her up and help me to get a fresh start somewhere else, with a new identity. Starting new will be good but I’m pretty sure my ghosts and the past mistakes will still haunt me. I might as well do the best with what is given to me here.

I think my mind is still messy, I thought it would be clearer once I post things but this post turned out to be as messy as my mind. Quite a disorganized one.

I had a few highlights these past few weeks though, made a friend who I can party with and share what is bothering us. Although I know this won’t last long, I’m thankful for this encounter because in this moment in time, I appreciate your presence.

Looking back at the paragraph written in 2021; I have now stopped making friends online, no idea why but I just stopped making friends online. People just introduced themselves to me in real life which is pretty interesting because at this moment in my life, I do not want to be approached. I guess the universe works in a strange way which I cannot fathom and maybe God is just showing me all the lives that I have touched.

A friend asked me how I was doing and I can’t even say how I feel. I just don’t have the words to describe how I feel or to put it into my perspective; I don’t even know what I am feeling. I just want to watch sunsets and ride my motorcycle. I don’t have things figured out but I don’t have to figure it out right now because I don’t know the answer or I don’t even know what the question is. All I know is that I will face things day by day, keeping moving forward like I always do. I don’t think I will do great things but I will do the small things with love as I always do. I will listen with all my heart and I will be back again.

Until then,

The Story So Far

So many stories to tell yet I don’t have the time to write anything. I’ve been catching flights every month, crossing paths again with people who I met a long time ago. I’ll be back to writing once I have settled in this crazy year.

N

That Elvis Chapel

Hey blog, sorry I haven’t written in a while. Life’s has been pretty tough with everything that’s going on. Where to start? I’m still working in the middle of the sea, someone close to me passed and I was supposed to be engaged. The last part? Oh, that happened last year but I had a dream and it felt like yesterday again.

Yeah I was supposed to be someone’s fiancé but that obvs did not happen. Hell, I was ready to settle down to this new life and I even sorted out the shit in my life. I was on track to settle down with one person but you know how the old saying goes; it takes two to tango. I guess I was so ready that I didn’t see that the other person isn’t ready. The engagement proposal came down quickly as it started. Sucks because that was the happiest I have ever been. I think accepting it was a slow realization, similar to the 5 stages of grief. I was in an all time high but when it was over I was keeping my composure. Then I started working in a remote location and that’s where the loneliness hits me, in the past I see myself coming back from the isolation to my fiancée but yeah that didn’t happen. The loneliness was crushing and I cried myself to sleep everyday (because I work in nights, I sleep in the day). Every time I lay in bed the thought if it came over and swallows me like a big rolling wave, drowning me in my sadness and the pain pierces through my chest. I told God to stop the pain but God had other plans for me I guess. This happened for a week or more and then I got tired of my emotions.

I didn’t want the pain to feel numb because that’s what’s left of my supposed to be engagement. Weird isn’t it that I didn’t want to let go? This kept going on for quite a while and I wallowed in my sadness without letting others see it. When I got back on land, I saw the ring and I wore it. This was supposed to be a promise, no matter how far apart we are, we still belonged to each other and I will always return to her. Memories of us deciding on the ring came back but I always get pulled back to reality. It hurts every time I think about the Las Vegas trip that we were planning. At the time I got a girl who was crazy enough to go to Vegas with me and get hitched in an Elvis Chapel, man that Elvis Chapel. She had me when she agreed on the Elvis Chapel. I was literally on top of the world and nothing else mattered anymore.

The pain subsided and I did felt numb after, I naturally accepted the fact that I went through a failed engagement but that’s alright. She did asked for the ring back and paid for it, returned all my stuff (man, deja vu) but I guess that’s not the first time we had to do this and I’m sure we did it with someone else also. How did I carried forward after that? I took care of myself and listened to myself. I didn’t do any reckless thing because I want a fulfilling life and to have a fulfilling life is to have enough, not wanting for more. I didn’t sleep around because I don’t want to partake in anything that will fuck up my mind and even worse, fuck up another party. I quit drinking because I respected myself and I don’t want to abuse my body through those. I chose my tattoos carefully because I want an art gallery on my body and I want my body to be as beautiful and to tell a story like the Sistine Chapel. I hit the gym hard, pushed through my mental barrier until my body failed to see my physical capability (and I am also sculpted like what Michaelangelo worked on). I went to fulfill my promises and met my friends whom I said goodbye years ago. I spent time with my blood and not-blood cousins and we promised to take care of each other. My bank account is also filthy so I get to say things like “you forgot, I’m rich now” to my cousins when I take them out for dinner so that’s nice too.

Yeah, I went through a failed engagement. I didn’t hate her or anything though because she deserves to make her own decisions too. I realized I love her enough to know to let go. That love stayed the same and I didn’t asked her to come back. I guess that’s emotional maturity for ya. Sigh, I’ll just do it again. But this time, more carefully 🙂

Table for Two

My worst fear ever other than death is losing that one person. In fact, it is not the fear of losing that one person; rather the fear of never finding someone who can love you like she did, understand you like she did, comfort you like she did… there can never be another one. I fell in love and the love is the kind of love where you felt that she is your soulmate. I fell in love with the most beautiful girl who despite had showed me her pains and struggles, made me fell even deeper.

Whenever I go out, it’s always a table for two. Even when I’m alone, it’s a table for two as I carry your heart in my heart. You made my heart felt happy, sad, joyful, pain, passionate, loving, loved and most of all, alive. I have never loved anyone as much as I have and the fact that I am fearlessly writing my feelings in a public space like never before speaks volume about the love that I have. I still think about everyday, even back then when we were apart; you’ve never left. When I dream, I dreamt that I was in love and my dream is a reality. You made me want to be better, you made me have a sense of direction, you gave me a ray of sunshine in this otherwise bleak and confusing world.

When I love
I feel that I am the king of time
I possess the earth and everything on it
and ride into the sun upon my horse.

When I love
I become liquid light
invisible to the eye
and the poems in my notebooks
become fields of mimosa and poppy.

When I love
the water gushes from my fingers
grass grows on my tongue
when I love
I become time outside all time.

When I love a woman
all the trees
run barefoot toward me…

Nizar Qabbani

Did fate brought us together again? If so can we make this work? I’ll damn all the things that tries to keep us apart. You will know on my side I’ll love fearlessly and will never give up. If this life doesn’t give us a chance, then I pray to God to give us a better chance again be it in this life or the next and whatever may come after.

Yours,
Sincerely,
& Forever.

The Most Intimate

The most intimate thing I have ever done has nothing to do physically but rather to pray for someone. I keep those close to my heart in prayers and I act on those prayers myself. The most intimate thing I have ever done is to care, with my whole heart and to leave a piece of me behind. The most intimate thing I have ever done is to give the blessings that was given unto me to others. The most intimate thing I have ever done is to love.

(this was supposed to be posted earlier prior to the last post)

Is this how it feels like?

I have received flowers for the first time. For all the movie scenes that we are living in, I’ll always look forward to the next one. The best parts of my life include you. My heart is full, what more can I say?

Yours,

Feast day of Saint Elijah

Today was a strange day, not that it was strange in such a way that a lot of things happened but it’s the opposite of that. Today, nothing much happened but I had a calm and quiet day.

I got up early thanks to a text that woke me. It’s always nice to receive these texts if I’m being honest to myself. Went for a ride on my little modded Yamaha XSR155 and the cool winds of the morning gently woke me up. It feels like a second instinct that I just hopped on my bike, rode and smoothly shifted gears and weaved through potholes and traffic. Head empty and just became one with the bike. Arrived safely and got the little thing serviced, the little thing felt snappier than before after that.

Went home to learn how to cook from mum then went out to read and meet up with two friends. One friend who is a surgeon said hi to me and sat beside me on the bar end of the café, it almost sounds like a start of a joke “so a geologist and a surgeon walked into a bar…” but let’s not go there. We don’t get to meet much because of our schedules so this kind of catch-up was an infrequent occurrence. We talked about how we ended up where we are in our lives and because I’m me, I talked about where I am physically and mentally then.

I realized that I am in a better spot than where I was a few months ago. I allow things to happen to me rather than fighting hard to make them happen my way. I accept how things are and honestly I felt like I am the old me that I have left a long time ago. It feels like I am seeing an old friend whom I have forgotten but it’s actually just the old me that sees the world from a better perspective. I miss the old me but good to know that he’s still there. I talked more with my friend and I felt that I hit a few notes that triggered a deeper thought because she just stared into an empty space and looked as if she was processing what I have said. Well, either that or I bored her to death with my philosophy. It’s in these talks that sometimes you know more about yourself because you explained to the other party what happened to you in the past months/year. It puts you in a retrospective mood and that’s where you see how much you’ve grown since then.

It was uneventful as we decided to just keep quiet and read our respective kindle. But it’s these uneventful events that give me the headspace to think about what’s going on. I felt that I have grown up so much and since then have gotten kinder and less harsh to myself. It’s the quiet times where I find solace in myself.

Today is also the feast day of Saint Elijah. Biblically, Saint Elijah is one of the major prophets in the Old Testament. To me personally, there was a verse from the book of kings that resonated with me over the years;

All at once, a strong wind shook the mountain and shattered the rocks. But the Lord was not in the wind. Next, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² Then there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.

Finally, there was a gentle breeze, ¹³ and when Elijah heard it, he covered his face with his coat. He went out and stood at the entrance to the cave.

A voice asked, “Elijah, why are you here?”

1 Kings 19: 11-13 (NKJV)

There was a time when I was in the mountains a long time ago. I felt something when I reached the top and a gentle breeze swept over me. It was a strange feeling of calmness that I have never felt before. Weird enough when I came back and went to church, this verse was read and it stuck with me since then. Perhaps it was God or maybe it was just chemicals in my body that reacted in a certain way that made me calm, all I know is that small event led to a chain of introspective and reflective thoughts for myself. I never liked talking about religion because to me; you do what works for you and be nice to each other. Whether you believe in God or greater powers it’s up to you, as long as you find your peace then I’m happy for you.

“maybe this is your unhappy outlet” – what my partner in crime told me about my blog. I agree at one point that it was but I also want to write about how my friends made me feel wholesome, how I have so much love to give in this world and how I forgave those who wronged me. I feel like that side of me is coming back, maybe that side of me will start writing again.

Perhaps the gentle breeze did come over me today.

Until then,

From Digital To Film To Digital

My first ever camera I bought with my own money was a Fuji. It was a Fujifilm x100T and though it was far from perfect, all that I cared about was the ergonomics. Ergonomics is the sole reason that I bought that camera despite being a broke college student as my previous camera was a Sony loaned to me from my brother (I hated going into the menu just to change SS and aperture, it was killing me). The Fuji was perfect, external shutter dials and aperture ring made more sense to me. This led me to a fascination on the ergonomics and simplicity of the old film cameras but to buy a proper film camera was out of the question at that time. I did have a film camera that time but it was a Lomography Konstruktor which had a fixed shutter speed and aperture but that was not enough.

---

It wasn’t until I decided to climb a mountain which is another long story reserved for another post and I met a photojournalist who had a Canonet QL-III around her neck and we got in contact with each other through email. It was through her encouragement that I start to seriously considered to shoot film but her main message to me was to learn the whole workflow from shooting to developing and scanning/printing. So I did that, got my film camera, bought a scanner and finally a developing kit. I spent around three years perfecting the whole workflow (I started a business and developed around 20 rolls a week at most) and it was only after a few months after I felt that I got the whole thing perfected or near perfected, I sold all my serious film gear. I felt that I have nothing left to learn from shooting film and I believe it was the right call. Shooting film used to bring a great sense of joy to me once but not anymore. The film crowd has changed here and I just don’t feel like I belong. The community feels more exclusive now instead of inclusive. I’ll stop there.

---

So here we are again, back to digital photography. Back to where I started except this time, I know how to make a photograph instead of just clicking the shutter aimlessly.

Until then,

What exactly is Exploration Cycles?

---

New blog. Got tired of Instagram and the sort. Here’s to a new chapter of writing. I used to write a lot but then it stopped for no apparent reason. Honestly, I used to love Instagram back when there was no influencer. Back to when it was about sharing photos with your friends. Nowadays it’s all about the aesthetics (or assthetics…) and it’s just not good for my head. Maybe I’m just too old for those things but then again these social media platforms are specifically aimed at my demographic.

So why the name Exploration Cycles? It’s just my job role and my hobby – Motorcycling. I just got my motorcycle this week and so far I am loving the feeling every time I get on my bike (and yes, that’s me on the bike!). I’ll spare the details about my bike but I do have to state that motorcycling is not solely my hobby; photography and lifting are also on the list (I feel like I can go on forever). Do expect better pictures coming out but I have not bought my next camera; Fujifilm x100V.

Exploration Cycles will be an anonymous blog with fake made-up names of real people in my life. In a way, we’re respecting everyone’s privacy here, and let’s just enjoy the ride.