I saw a post about Saul Leiter. I remembered how I discovered his works. It was a moment in time that I will remember forever.
In No Great Hurry
Thoughts
Leader of Men
The thing about working in a hostile environment is that you have to make sure that you’ll make it home alive. In my case; I have a supervisory role which means not only I have to keep myself safe but also the people working under me safe. I thought that the conversation that I made with people under me on working safely is superficial but today it potentially saved a life.
I was raised by a father who had always worked hard his entire life, he was never in a supervisory role like me so I was raised with a mentality of “don’t just watch, do the job”. I came to the rig with the same mentality but eventually that mentality shifted once I have people asking me what to do and how to do it. These people depended on me to do their job well and they need me to remind them about the potential hazard and how we all play a part in keeping each other safe. We all want to go home safely to see our loved ones, our friends, the ones who we promised to see again. It is also my job to make sure my men return home safely. So if I’m doing the job also, it means that I am not supervising and that means no one is keeping an eye out for my men to stay safe.
I was used to working alone but now I have to step up to be a leader of men. There’s a mutual respect between them and myself, we keep an open conversation, listen to each other, watch each other’s back and when the right time comes, joke around. When I first came on to this job, I’m very sure they had little confidence on me to be their leader but day by day I managed to get better. There’s a big difference on how they greet me and address me and I guess that’s when they developed the sense of trust, that this geologist turned engineer can lead them. One of them even told me that my decisions are better than the person before me despite not having an engineering background. At least I am on the right track.
That decision today potentially saved a life, I intervened on a simple thing that how someone cannot put their item there and work on it offline as it is an active zone where you could be potentially struck. The next day an incident happened exactly where that place is. Fucking hell, this job is dangerous. You can get killed by moving objects, falling objects and process safety. There were times that my men asked me if they can do shortcuts but I have to say no because if one thing failed it could cause a chain of events. Time we can take, machines we can replace but individuals I cannot afford to lose.
Working here made me realize that you can’t take life for granted (even more so now). I’ve seen things that could kill and when you see it in front of your eyes, it shakes you in a different way. Other people that came before me told me this was supposed to be an easy time (because they had someone senior to accompany them) but in my case; I’m the standalone engineer. “Tough times makes great men” was what my friend told me. At this rate, by the end of my assignment here I’ll be a different man.
Sometimes I can’t believe how much I have grown in such a short time. I was a grad student just 4 years ago and now I am a geoscientist with the responsibility to keep the country’s economy running but at the same time working as an engineer, leading almost a hundred men on this rig. I have an apartment lined up for me and a car to pay off soon. Quite heavy for a 27 years old guy I guess. I’m very sure my young adult life phase is coming to an end and my adult phase is starting. When did I grew up? I have no answer for that but I do know that I grew up all over and I am more than thankful to myself for pulling through tough times and maturing more than I expected. After all, there’s no lotus without mud.
The sun will rise as my night shift comes to an end. At this point, I am grateful that I get to see the sun rise along with my fellow men and women on this metal island. I will keep them safe so they can return to their loved ones, I will keep myself safe so I can return and keep my promises.
Until then,
Like Sunset In Our Eyes
There are things that I have to do even though I do not want to do them. I don’t want to fade out of view just like that because that will not do any good. I will let things unfold but not leave them untold. As sure as I am that the sun will rise again, that’s how certain I am that things will be better as long as we try to do so. We’ll pull our weight as we always do.
On an unrelated note; I just realized that living alone is not the easiest thing because all my friends and the people that matter the most to me are in another district and hours away. I realized that all I did after working here were just chores, gym and cooking. Maybe that is why it is hard for me to live alone here, the lack of interaction. I am now recovering from two fresh tattoos, so that is a whole two weeks of not hitting the gym, giving me a lot of free time to overthink. I think this time I’ll do better, I have confidence and faith in myself. After all, if I don’t believe in myself then who will? In an ideal situation, I would love to spend my time with the people who matter the most but again life is a long lesson and I have to learn how to be comfortable in my own little world for now.
Things will get better. I just know it. Like the sunset in our eyes, one day the ray of sunshine will rise again and it will be there to stay.
Until then,
Silhouettes of What Was
Some wounds don’t heal themselves, so it’s a good thing you’re not alone. I need more time to mourn all the lives I could’ve had. Some things never change, but that’s okay.
Maybe things are how it is right now because it’s building up for my future. Uncertainties in the future does not mean it’s bleak, it could also mean brighter things might also happen. So maybe I don’t have to mourn all the lives I could’ve had because they are still possible. It’s still possible one day that I feel content with the things in my life, it’s possible to have a heart filled with love again, it’s possible to have a purpose in life again. Only thing I’m certain is that I still want to have a ring on my finger and it’s reserved with a name.
Markings and engravings on my body reminds me who of I am. A constant reminder for myself to live life unabridged; to make sure that I feel all the joy, pain, sorrow, excitement, sadness, happiness for myself.
Maybe I’m asleep and this is all a dream. Forever has to wait.
Until then,
Two Ways to Build a House
These days I have been contemplating a lot about how I live my life. Let me explain it simply using a much more complicated analogy because I never go straight to the point. You see, building a house can be seen as analogous to living a life. A house is a long-term investment or it could be a liability but let’s not go there in terms of monetary value, this is not rich dad poor dad okay? But when you really think about it, building a house is similar to living a life, you spent a long time planning and building it and in the end, you live in it. Now I realize there are two ways to build a house;
The first method of building a house is that you lay the plans and foundation of a house to fit your needs. Plan a solid foundation, design your rooms and then buy the furniture to make it a home. A lot of people I know does this; they plan their lives around what they want and some even set an age to get married so that they can start a family at a certain age.
The second method of building a house is a rather unorthodox approach. The second method involves finding the furniture first and then building a house around it. Let’s say I see a nice couch and then I start imagining how my living room would fit like with the couch. In a nutshell; you plan your life across something you found or something that found you. Not many people I know live their life this way.
Now I am not going to say which method is best ad hominem but I am here to reflect on how I live my life. The way how I see it if my life is a house, I’d say I have a solid foundation good enough for earthquakes and sea level rise. The design of the house is not yet set in stone because I keep finding things I like along the way, I do know that I have a rough idea of what it looks like with what kind of furniture as the centrepiece. It is an unorthodox way of living but that’s what it is really. It would be nicer if someone was there to help me to build a house together though.
Not really the thought-provoking article you were hoping for but I thought it was nice to write this out as a note for myself and how I see things now in this present state of mind.
Until then,
Lose a little & live a little life
Live a little life. I made that up from a book title I’m currently reading called “A Little Life”. I found myself living a bit more recently on the weekends because I’m always out on adventures with a partner in crime. Who would’ve thought it would turn out this way? Definitely not me. To live a little, I have to unlearn a few habits I brought over from the past. It’s like the Zen koan of the tea ceremony of the master and the disciple.
There was a Zen master named Nan-in and he was visited by a university professor
Being polite, he served the professor a cup of tea.
As he poured, the professor’s cup became full but he kept on pouring. As the professor watched the cup overflow, the professor said “the cup is full, no more tea can go in!”
Nan-in turned to the professor and said “Like the cup, you too are full of your opinions and speculations. How can I teach you unless you first empty your cup?”.
I came across this Zen koan (or parable) when I was in high school which was more than 10 years ago. Somehow it has stuck with me until now for no reason. Like the professor, my cup was full of the habits from my past and I have to empty it to learn a new perspective. I have gained an appreciation for learning new things recently. I learnt about what it means to trust and to be trusted so you can be yourself and not lose yourself. I learnt about respect not just for each other but for yourself and knowing your limits. I learnt about living a little in our own time and then coming together and spending time while feeling like ourselves to add on to each other’s experience. I feel like this is what I have been missing out on recently because I have not been feeling myself. I guess things did get better after I left and came back.
But was that the reason I am writing this? Not really. Despite all the good things that are happening to me right now, there’s always that voice at the back of my head that is constantly saying how long will this happiness last before it comes crashing down? It’s never easy to silence that voice but I am trying my best to start by denying that voice to get louder. That’s the reason for the title of this post; live a little life because I deserve it. I have been wishing for happiness for everyone and now I wish for happiness in my life without having to worry too much. Would you do me a favour and wish me a little bit of that happiness for me? Thank you.
I found this band today and I like one of the songs that I heard. Tried to find new songs from them but then I found out the whole band died in a car accident in Stockholm. Their vehicle fell from a bridge, I doubt it was anyone to blame but rest in peace to the lads. Your songs will live with your memory. The song that I heard was this one song called Call You Up. Long story short now I want someone to buy me flowers because nobody ever gave me flowers. Such a weird thing to say.
What a roller coaster of a post. Not sure if this post made any sense at all but I guess I just needed an outlet. These emotions shall pass with time. Maybe I’ll talk more about my tattoos next time. I have always been secretive about them.
Until then,
3 A.M Thoughts
Where to start, it’s 3am and I can’t sleep. This happened quite a number of times ever since I was a kid and I just can’t figure out why. Could it be the jet lag, insomnia, anxiety or the fact that I haven’t had a proper human face-to-face interaction for a long time? I couldn’t put a finger on it but all I know is that I can’t sleep.
Sorry, no pictures for the time being
Plenty of thoughts raced to my mind but none of them are beneficial. If I really think about it and that is why I have this blog, I don’t really have to worry about a lot of things and the things I worry about are outside of my control. These thoughts always come past midnight because it’s the loneliest time of the day for me. All my friends and families are asleep and there is really no one to talk about it with. Now I know I am more than capable of processing these thoughts but after midnight all the emotions and rationales are mixed up. The only thing I can say is that it does feel lonely at 3am lying on my bed just processing all my thoughts. I know I can just take a sleeping pill and go to bed but I am sure I will just sweep away the thing that is keeping me awake to a spot in the corner where I will eventually stumble upon again so I have to face it anyway.
Have you found a friend/partner to whom you can just speak what’s on your mind knowing that they won’t think of you as a bother or they’re genuinely interested in listening to you? If you have then keep them close, they don’t come often enough in a lifetime. And now I am thinking to myself, who do I feel the most comfortable talking to? It could be you who is reading this because again, only my closest friend gets to read this brain dump of mine. I’m sad guys, I don’t know why but I feel sad for some reason. Maybe it’s 3am and there’s no sunlight to supply me with vitamin D, maybe it’s the isolation (because I’m covid positive), maybe it’s a deeper underlying cause that I need to voice out or maybe it’s a combination of all of these that made me like this. I think the longer I write this post, the more clearer what is the problem that’s keeping me awake; I have my professional life under control (my career, finance, physical health & wellbeing… well I need to start going back to the gym again) but my social life (my emotions & relationship) are all over the place. Maybe this will be a start for me to look into that aspect and see how I can improve it but I know I have said this to myself so many times in the past posts but I REALLY need to start looking into it rather than thinking everything is fine (ofcourse, my inner voice tells me to take a leap of faith but hold it right there dude).
Anyway, in an hour or so my dad will wake up and he’ll make all sorts of noise so I guess I should get some rest. I do think my dad gets lonely in the early hours too especially now he’s in his advance retirement age and some of his friends has passed away and even some has lost the ability to speak properly. I wonder how things will be when I am in his shoes? These are the nonsense thoughts that comes to my brain this late at night.
Until then,
The Constant Chase
I don’t want to downplay anything but I had a pretty shit 3 weeks because it was riddled by a course that I need to pass on top of my day job. Yesterday was officially the last day and I’m finally done, it felt like the end of a season of your series. That’s it? All the work and the late nights condensed into a 30-minute presentation. Although, that is the reality isn’t it? You do a few months’ worths of work and in the end, it boils down to just an hour and a half worth of presentation. Such is the reality of work. I am writing this piece in order to remember the conversation I had with my friend after I delivered my work presentation and finished work at 6:30 PM.
The conversation made me realized that I am constantly chasing, although not as intense as before but I am still chasing for something. I specifically chose the word “something” because there are many things I am chasing at once. We talked about the options to buy a house in this market, where will we go with our career and on family. Obviously, the last point doesn’t really apply to me because to those who do not know this yet, I don’t think I want to have kids. Not in this environment anyway, where the future is not as bright as it is, it’s tough for me and I’m pretty sure it’s going to get tougher for my kids (theoretical kids hah). But on the topics which are much closer to home; house and career, is this the right time to jump into the housing market or should I wait for it to crash? Realistically I can get a loan from the bank if I want to buy a house but that will leave me broke every month for 20 years. My job used to be classified as a “good-paying” job but that’s just not the case anymore in this day and age. Do you remember in my last post when I mentioned the next phase of life? I have been warming up to the thought of settling down even more because it makes more sense to partner up with someone who wants to take the same path you are taking. Shared experiences (!!!), conversations, expenses and the whole package makes going through this life better. Well, at least that’s how I see it now. Then again, you won’t know how it is until you take a dive or rather, a leap of faith to the next phase of life.
I’m not saying that I want to settle down ASAP, I’m saying that I am okay with the option of settling down. I wonder if future me will look back at what I am writing today and said that I worry too much. Maybe I will and maybe I’ll be reading this with whoever my wife will be (or alone, I really don’t mind as long as I am happy with my decision but I know for sure I am not gay hahaha). There is however a sense of urgency to keep a steady source of income because living ain’t free. Again, I am okay with that because if I have a reason to work and earn money then it’s definitely worth it. My career can change and I’m okay with that, I’m glad that I am working as a geologist which is a topic that fulfils my curious mind but at the same time I am also open to a career of imparting knowledge or even working on my own business whatever it may be!
Anyhow, I don’t want to dwell on it too long because I gotta live in the now rather than the past or the future. As long as I am open to whatever comes and as long as I listen to myself on the decisions I will make then what do I have to worry about? Hey, since you made it this far in the post, here’s a song that I have been listening to on repeat.
Until then,
Stop, recalibrate and begin again.
March, what a month. I have been writing pretty consistently this month partly because there’s a lot in my mind and partly because I got new keyswitches for my split keyboard so it sounds extra poppy and with good tactical feedback (inside joke, u won’t get it). This blog has been a good outlet for me to explore my emotions, memories and feelings in a way I can never do without writing. I’ve always wanted to express myself eloquently or at least describe my emotions fluently and I find that writing is a suitable method for me to do so. I do try to express myself better in real life too, to be “authentic”. I do notice that it only happens when I’m enjoying myself and also it happens naturally when I hang out with this one person.
Do you recall my last post? If you don’t it’s just right there, it was a pretty stressful post but I guess what I really need is to recalibrate myself. Just like coffee, if it doesn’t taste nice then it’s time to check your grind size, weight, tamping, distribution, channelling and try again. That’s exactly what I have been doing recently, listening to myself and talking to someone about it. On a parking spot overlooking a bridge is where the conversation happened, it does feel like a movie (maybe a 3.0/10 movie on IMDB) or an anime except my car is not a GR86 yet.
Sometimes all you need is a drive and something to do with someone to stop all the noise, hecticness and questions that come from life. A time when you can let down your guard, walls and masks and yet still be able to smile and laugh. That was part of the recalibration, another part was that I listened to my old playlist, found old poems that I liked to read and other things that made me who I am today. Songs not on dreams of ideal, but rather adorns love after the lustre has faded, poetry by E. E. Cummings, photos from photographers I look up to, CDs of albums which I listened to repeatedly, books that I read which made me see things in a different perspective. Rediscovering all this made me realize that I am way out of tune and I am glad I know that.
Now is the time for me to begin again. Those items belonged to a phase of life which has ended and had served its purpose, it doesn’t mean that I have to leave those things. By all means no, they’re part of who I am and what made me. I’ll bring them together with me and maybe future me will have a better sense of appreciation and a new perspective of the things that old me likes.
Maybe my cup of coffee right now doesn’t taste good but I can always refer to my old recipes and find out what made it great in the first place. Maybe the next cup of coffee will not taste as good as how I used to brew them but I would appreciate the subtle changes. Maybe someone will like the way how I brew my coffee and we’ll brew better coffee together. Maybe, just maybe my next phase of life is already in the making, preparing in the background without me knowing.
Until then,
Still reading? Here’s a song for you.
Whatever it was, it is not the same anymore.
This is going to be a tough one. Honestly, I’ve been feeling terrible these past few days. Maybe that’s why March is such a busy time to blog. Just when you thought things were going well and it turns out it didn’t, it was fine for me but apparently not other people. Maybe I’ve been taking care of people’s feelings for such a long time that I forgot to take care of my own feelings. Maybe things happen for a reason, I feel like shit because I need to take care of myself more. But haven’t I done that already? I took care of myself, slept well, went to the gym and ate well. Maybe that’s not the self-care I need, maybe I need to listen to myself more that’s why I am writing this post for myself.
Listen myself, you worked your way up to here with your own discipline and determination. Those experiences shaped who you are, not many managed to walk in your steps and made it where you are. Sometimes it’s okay to be unapologetic because your whole life up to this point is to live it for someone else. It’s okay to sacrifice time and energy but to live a whole life to fill someone’s expectations of what you should be? That’s not it dude. You deserve a little happiness and you deserve a break every now and then because if you don’t take a break you’ll burn out and you’ll end up at the bottom again. The bottom is not an illusion, it is a reality that you’ve experienced and lived through.
What hopes and dreams did your younger self had and why did it die? Did it die off because they were ridiculous and now you’ve grown, you have better hopes and dreams? Or did it die off because you gave it up and started to live life for someone else? You forgave people multiple times and now it’s about time you forgive yourself, listen to your needs because who else knows you better than yourself? There was a time you were free and lived life to your own rule, it was introduced to you by someone else and you liked it. Looking back at it, there was nothing wrong with that. Other people talks behind your back, throws shade at you for what you did but they did not know what you went through. Do you give a shit about what they think? You just don’t have the guts to say no because you think you might hurt someone but in reality, it’s hurting you more and you’re just waiting for the pressure to build up and pops in a spectacular manner which will hurt more people in the end. Maybe it’s time to accept that some things are not meant to happen.
I would rather you cut out a few people in your life rather than you cut yourself out of your own life and not live the life you want to live. I’d rather you make your own mistakes in life rather than have your life ruined by another person’s mistakes. You’ve been giving a lot of people advice and they’re in a much better place thanks to you, it is definitely time for you to listen to your own advice. No one wants to give you advice because you kept all the problems to yourself, standing tall and pushing through when things are not okay. On some days it is okay to push through but you need a break else you’d light up in a ball of flames.
I guess the takeaway is that, listen to yourself more. You know your priorities, you know what you need and you know what you want. Take care of yourself okay? Younger you is looking up to you and older you will be proud that you made it through all this.
Until then,
Exploration Cycles 