Leader of Men

The thing about working in a hostile environment is that you have to make sure that you’ll make it home alive. In my case; I have a supervisory role which means not only I have to keep myself safe but also the people working under me safe. I thought that the conversation that I made with people under me on working safely is superficial but today it potentially saved a life.

I was raised by a father who had always worked hard his entire life, he was never in a supervisory role like me so I was raised with a mentality of “don’t just watch, do the job”. I came to the rig with the same mentality but eventually that mentality shifted once I have people asking me what to do and how to do it. These people depended on me to do their job well and they need me to remind them about the potential hazard and how we all play a part in keeping each other safe. We all want to go home safely to see our loved ones, our friends, the ones who we promised to see again. It is also my job to make sure my men return home safely. So if I’m doing the job also, it means that I am not supervising and that means no one is keeping an eye out for my men to stay safe.

I was used to working alone but now I have to step up to be a leader of men. There’s a mutual respect between them and myself, we keep an open conversation, listen to each other, watch each other’s back and when the right time comes, joke around. When I first came on to this job, I’m very sure they had little confidence on me to be their leader but day by day I managed to get better. There’s a big difference on how they greet me and address me and I guess that’s when they developed the sense of trust, that this geologist turned engineer can lead them. One of them even told me that my decisions are better than the person before me despite not having an engineering background. At least I am on the right track.

That decision today potentially saved a life, I intervened on a simple thing that how someone cannot put their item there and work on it offline as it is an active zone where you could be potentially struck. The next day an incident happened exactly where that place is. Fucking hell, this job is dangerous. You can get killed by moving objects, falling objects and process safety. There were times that my men asked me if they can do shortcuts but I have to say no because if one thing failed it could cause a chain of events. Time we can take, machines we can replace but individuals I cannot afford to lose.

Working here made me realize that you can’t take life for granted (even more so now). I’ve seen things that could kill and when you see it in front of your eyes, it shakes you in a different way. Other people that came before me told me this was supposed to be an easy time (because they had someone senior to accompany them) but in my case; I’m the standalone engineer. “Tough times makes great men” was what my friend told me. At this rate, by the end of my assignment here I’ll be a different man.

Sometimes I can’t believe how much I have grown in such a short time. I was a grad student just 4 years ago and now I am a geoscientist with the responsibility to keep the country’s economy running but at the same time working as an engineer, leading almost a hundred men on this rig. I have an apartment lined up for me and a car to pay off soon. Quite heavy for a 27 years old guy I guess. I’m very sure my young adult life phase is coming to an end and my adult phase is starting. When did I grew up? I have no answer for that but I do know that I grew up all over and I am more than thankful to myself for pulling through tough times and maturing more than I expected. After all, there’s no lotus without mud.

The sun will rise as my night shift comes to an end. At this point, I am grateful that I get to see the sun rise along with my fellow men and women on this metal island. I will keep them safe so they can return to their loved ones, I will keep myself safe so I can return and keep my promises.

Until then,

The Dance of the Nocturnal Animal

Another year has gone by and I am somehow working in a hostile environment. I never liked working in a drilling rig simply because it’s so dangerous and there’s a lot of injuries associated with the work. But what do you do when life deals you these things; you have to make the best out of it, you have to keep moving and dance, dance, dance. Dance so that the world keeps moving, dance so that you won’t stay in one place, dance so that you’ll end up in a better place.

That’s exactly what I did, I pulled myself up and danced. The first few days was the toughest. New work scope, no prior experience as an engineer, night shift and I was emotionally not at my best. The thing about working graveyard shift is that everyone is asleep when you’re up so it’s difficult to not feel alone at times. There were times when I just lay down in bed and broke down, don’t feel bad for me because I found out that this is what I needed; an outlet for my emotions and feelings. It gets less painful with every-time I let it out, feelings doesn’t change but once all the emotions are out then things become clearer and you get to see the bigger picture. Wasn’t easy working at a new role while dealing with my emotions but I started dancing and I didn’t tripped.

Tattoos was a big conversation starter for me. People on the rig was generally surprised when they found out that this young office guy has quite a bit of tattoos on his body. There’s this guy who told me that one of his friend saw this guy walking around with a stairs tattoo and proceeded to take a photo of my tattoo and sent it to his friend. Lo and behold, Brunei is very small and turns out the friend really did saw me. A lot of people tried asking me what are the meaning of my tattoos but if you know me; I prefer to keep the meaning to myself. There’s only one person who knew the meanings of my tattoos (other than myself, ofcourse) that’s how intimate the meanings of my tattoos means to me.

Can you believe it that I found a significant mistake on my first week working as an engineer? It was overlooked by everyone but when I did the work, it was pretty concerning that this was overlooked. I guess there was a reason why I ended up working on that remote location. I don’t wanna think too much about it because I am not in the country right now. I am currently crashing on my friend’s couch right next to a rabbit cage. What a leech eh? It’s fine, I’ll return the favor one day. I am honestly grateful that I have friends like these.

I danced pretty well so far and I intend to keep on doing just that. Though my life took an unexpected turn; it remains beautiful. I said to myself back then; maybe the things that I’ve lost, they will come back when the time is right. But now, I’ll keep dancing.

Until then,

A Silent Devotion to Myself

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It’s always hard to start writing. Something about a blank page with no words is so daunting and scary. I know that today I want to write about how I felt the need to forgive myself for being too harsh on myself. I kept telling myself to stop thinking of the past and just move on but in reality, I realized that the things in the past were as real as the moment I am living in right now and I cannot just leave it just like that. I don’t look back in sadness anymore which is a good sign of growth. There’s this saying that you cannot live while thinking of the past because it will just cause you sadness and you cannot think about the future too often because you will be anxious all the time. So indeed the present is the best time to live but also to acknowledge the past and to look forward to the future. There are a few things that I acknowledge in my past that will affect my future;

The first thing is that I have decided to quit hard alcohol and drinking in general. While I do still enjoy wine with a good dinner and company, that’s about as much alcohol as I will consume. I acknowledge that in the past I had enjoyed alcohol but in the present, I respect my body and I get a better thrill (or serotonin boost) from lifting heavy weights and boxing. Fine-tuning my body in such a way that I am always the best version of myself every single day gives me the satisfaction that alcohol could not ever give me.

Secondly, I acknowledge that I am still learning in the school emotional maturity. In the past or even in the near past; I realized that I thought I was emotionally mature but in reality, I still have a lot to learn. But that’s okay because nobody ever thought us this right? I will learn to be more emotionally mature; I will have the capacity to explain myself in such a way that the other person can understand clearly what upsets me and why I was upset without feeling the need to sulk. I will have the capacity to stay calm and not to assume the worst every single time, this will take time as I have to unlearn a lot of things. Finally, I will have the capacity to be vulnerable as to love someone means to be open to being hurt. I will not be embarrassed by my vulnerability even though I have been hurt because there is nothing wrong with my tears but in turn, I acknowledge that the other party needs help hence why the actions they did. I will give myself months to learn this emotional literacy for no one taught me how to be emotionally literate, I did see glimpses of these emotional literacies but I do know that I will practice it every day to be a better person.

Thirdly and lastly, I acknowledge that I am loved. And I hope that no matter how unlovable you think you are or if you ever think that you do not even deserve love; you are wrong. Be kinder to yourself, I can say that to you and myself.

You made it to the end! Here’s a song for you. This will be the song I will sing to my wife every single day in my head (hell yeah your boy will be a dedicated husband one day, I just know that I will be dedicated and devoted and there’s no question about it!!!)

Until then,

And For My Next Trick…

And just like that, 26 years of my life have become a memory. I have grown older and so are the people around my life. I have gained so much experience in such a short time that it feels like I have lived multiple lives. Some things change but some stays the same. My slight OCD and I think a potential ADD is still there but I have come to peace with them. My head is becoming a better place for me to be in and I have stopped overthinking at least for most of the time (5 years to get over that event, character building but it was sure a shit experience). The anxiety has subsided a bit but it’s still there and that’s okay, they are there because of a past experience and I am learning throughout.

27 years and thankfully there’s more reason for me to smile than to be sad. I think God threw me a curveball these past few years though; thinking I got it all figured out then shoved more people in my life to see that there’s more to life than what I thought there was. One particular curveball was definitely fate but I’ll keep the whole story to myself. You know, in a universe with endless possibilities; what are the odds that you meet another person…. nevermind, call it fate because there’s no use explaining it.

27 years and the look on my face is a bit more weathered and tired but that’s okay. It’s the rite of time and everyone has to go through it. I accept that one day I’ll wither away and I will make way for the new for that’s how things are. I don’t intend to live forever but I intend to live a long and fulfilling life and that’s already starting

27 years and my love for the people that matter to me are still going strong. I have not lost the very essence that made me who I am which is the kindness that lives and breathes as long as I am here. While not all the love that I gave was returned but that’s okay; I never expected anything in return from anyone and though some have naturally moved on (and passed on) I still kept true to myself by being kind. A bit of sidetrack, I do believe love is one thing that transcends life and death. Though I cannot hold their hands physically or hear their voices anymore; the love that I give them will never change.

27 years and things are pretty fun; I have a travel buddy and a tattoo buddy. Not many people can say that but hey I’m enjoying this ride so far, no pressure and just riding the wave as it comes. I need more of this in my life and I am grateful that I get to experience this.

27 years and the best is yet to come, like a symphony; my life has yet to reach its crescendo and I never know when will that come. I do know that I still have a lot to give and a lot more in my tank.

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Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas – 1914-1953

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Until then,

Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends!

I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends!

It took a lot for me to go through this week. Just when I thought things were looking up; death comes knocking on my neighbour’s doors. My uncle is currently still in critical condition in the hospital. He is a chain smoker so I was always wondering how long he can keep this up and the answer was not for too long. I got the message that he suffered a stroke when I was abroad and it only took a few months for his condition to worsen. Now my uncle is also my dad’s cousin which means they’re pretty close. My dad always buys him breakfast for reasons I don’t know why. In an instant, my dad has one person less to go out every morning. Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in my dad’s mind; I remember my dad telling me stories of how he searched for my uncle when his ship sank. My dad went from Muara to Belait in his boat all day to find him. As the day got darker my dad decided to give it a last look at Labuan and he found him covered in a blanket; rescued just earlier by other fishermen. ]He survived around 8 hours in the sea clinging on to flotsam from his boat. 8 hours in the sea clinging for dear life. Sometimes you gotta admire the will to live for some people, maybe that’s why he became a chain smoker after that incident in his life. All these stories came flashing back when I saw him struggling in the hospital bed in pain.

I never liked the thought of death and what comes after it. I never liked the thought of dying. I am not afraid of anything but the process of dying and breathing one’s final breath. I have witnessed a number of dying processes and it was never a comfortable sight. Unfortunately, nobody can escape that and we all must go through it and also guide our loved ones through the process, making it as comfortable as it can be.

An old classmate texted me out of the blue asking me to hangout. I got awfully suspicious because I was never close him in the first place. Nevertheless, I agreed to meet him up and talk. We started to talk more and it turned out, his brother just passed away at a very young age of 32 to cancer. I stopped talking and couldn’t say a word beyond that. He told me after that happened, he just wanted to not waste his life and get to know people in his life while he can.

I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends.

Until then,

Two Ways to Build a House

These days I have been contemplating a lot about how I live my life. Let me explain it simply using a much more complicated analogy because I never go straight to the point. You see, building a house can be seen as analogous to living a life. A house is a long-term investment or it could be a liability but let’s not go there in terms of monetary value, this is not rich dad poor dad okay? But when you really think about it, building a house is similar to living a life, you spent a long time planning and building it and in the end, you live in it. Now I realize there are two ways to build a house;

The first method of building a house is that you lay the plans and foundation of a house to fit your needs. Plan a solid foundation, design your rooms and then buy the furniture to make it a home. A lot of people I know does this; they plan their lives around what they want and some even set an age to get married so that they can start a family at a certain age.

The second method of building a house is a rather unorthodox approach. The second method involves finding the furniture first and then building a house around it. Let’s say I see a nice couch and then I start imagining how my living room would fit like with the couch. In a nutshell; you plan your life across something you found or something that found you. Not many people I know live their life this way.

Now I am not going to say which method is best ad hominem but I am here to reflect on how I live my life. The way how I see it if my life is a house, I’d say I have a solid foundation good enough for earthquakes and sea level rise. The design of the house is not yet set in stone because I keep finding things I like along the way, I do know that I have a rough idea of what it looks like with what kind of furniture as the centrepiece. It is an unorthodox way of living but that’s what it is really. It would be nicer if someone was there to help me to build a house together though.

Not really the thought-provoking article you were hoping for but I thought it was nice to write this out as a note for myself and how I see things now in this present state of mind.

Until then,

My Sunset is Your Sunrise

I haven’t been writing a lot these past few months because I’m not currently in Brunei. I’ve been living abroad for a month and a half in The Netherlands while meeting a few other fellow geologists from different countries. And of course, that means whenever the sun sets here, you get to see the first light. Where do I start? Everything feels new because I have never been to this side of the world. Even the simplest things are different. Not saying that I am uncomfortable, I do appreciate different things and different views on a lot of things. Nonetheless, I did enjoy my time and stay here. There were a few realizations that I’d like to share with you (or to keep things consistent; mini epiphanies).

First realization: I don’t miss the place, I miss the moment in time at the place where everyone is there. Did this came as a surprise? No. I realized this way earlier around 5 years ago. After leaving here I realize I’ll miss the people and the time we spent together. All the conversations, the after work drinks, the time spent with one another and the impromptu ice cream run because one person feels like it. Simply put, when I come back again none of that will be the same but I do appreciate those moments because I realize it as it was going through. I took photos, I smiled and I will definitely remember those moments.

Second realization: I need to be more honest with myself. This happened over a phone call recently. In a nutshell, I don’t really know how to talk about how I feel (in fact, I never talk about my feelings) but somehow things always flows when I talk to this person. Which begs the question if I’m living my life for others or should I start living for myself? I know the answer is live for yourself but it’s so so difficult for me to do that, you really have no idea how much I struggle with that. I hate the idea of me hurting someone maybe that’s why I’m always saying yes. At the same time I do realize I’m afraid to be alone (holy cow, I have problems). Gah, this is such a complicated topic and I’m afraid I can’t put my thoughts properly in this post so that’s that. Sorry? But I have to take care of myself first 🙂

Third realization: If someone appreciates you; they let you be yourself, not their idealized version of yourself. Again, this happened on the same phone call. Self explanatory isn’t it? If your partner appreciates you then they’ll understand who you are. I saw a few old couples giving PDA here and I thought to myself “hey, I want to do that with my wife when I’m older too”. Wow plenty of relationship talks eh? Must be the right time I guess.

Fourth realization: I miss my friends, and that includes you! Obvs my closest friends know who I am because the link to this blog is only given to my closest friends (or random strangers from wordpress, hello there!). I can’t wait to see y’all face to face and spend time again. It’s okay I’m flying back soon!

Fifth realization: I need to make up my mind and be more decisive. Know what I want and go for it. Want that car? Work smart for it. Want to move? Make connections. Like something? Go for it.

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Alright, I can only write so much on my phone but as usual. Thanks for reading my brain dump. I’ll probably write more when I’m home!

Until then,

Stop, recalibrate and begin again.

March, what a month. I have been writing pretty consistently this month partly because there’s a lot in my mind and partly because I got new keyswitches for my split keyboard so it sounds extra poppy and with good tactical feedback (inside joke, u won’t get it). This blog has been a good outlet for me to explore my emotions, memories and feelings in a way I can never do without writing. I’ve always wanted to express myself eloquently or at least describe my emotions fluently and I find that writing is a suitable method for me to do so. I do try to express myself better in real life too, to be “authentic”. I do notice that it only happens when I’m enjoying myself and also it happens naturally when I hang out with this one person.

Do you recall my last post? If you don’t it’s just right there, it was a pretty stressful post but I guess what I really need is to recalibrate myself. Just like coffee, if it doesn’t taste nice then it’s time to check your grind size, weight, tamping, distribution, channelling and try again. That’s exactly what I have been doing recently, listening to myself and talking to someone about it. On a parking spot overlooking a bridge is where the conversation happened, it does feel like a movie (maybe a 3.0/10 movie on IMDB) or an anime except my car is not a GR86 yet.

Sometimes all you need is a drive and something to do with someone to stop all the noise, hecticness and questions that come from life. A time when you can let down your guard, walls and masks and yet still be able to smile and laugh. That was part of the recalibration, another part was that I listened to my old playlist, found old poems that I liked to read and other things that made me who I am today. Songs not on dreams of ideal, but rather adorns love after the lustre has faded, poetry by E. E. Cummings, photos from photographers I look up to, CDs of albums which I listened to repeatedly, books that I read which made me see things in a different perspective. Rediscovering all this made me realize that I am way out of tune and I am glad I know that.

Now is the time for me to begin again. Those items belonged to a phase of life which has ended and had served its purpose, it doesn’t mean that I have to leave those things. By all means no, they’re part of who I am and what made me. I’ll bring them together with me and maybe future me will have a better sense of appreciation and a new perspective of the things that old me likes.

Maybe my cup of coffee right now doesn’t taste good but I can always refer to my old recipes and find out what made it great in the first place. Maybe the next cup of coffee will not taste as good as how I used to brew them but I would appreciate the subtle changes. Maybe someone will like the way how I brew my coffee and we’ll brew better coffee together. Maybe, just maybe my next phase of life is already in the making, preparing in the background without me knowing.

Until then,

Still reading? Here’s a song for you.

Whatever it was, it is not the same anymore.

This is going to be a tough one. Honestly, I’ve been feeling terrible these past few days. Maybe that’s why March is such a busy time to blog. Just when you thought things were going well and it turns out it didn’t, it was fine for me but apparently not other people. Maybe I’ve been taking care of people’s feelings for such a long time that I forgot to take care of my own feelings. Maybe things happen for a reason, I feel like shit because I need to take care of myself more. But haven’t I done that already? I took care of myself, slept well, went to the gym and ate well. Maybe that’s not the self-care I need, maybe I need to listen to myself more that’s why I am writing this post for myself.

Listen myself, you worked your way up to here with your own discipline and determination. Those experiences shaped who you are, not many managed to walk in your steps and made it where you are. Sometimes it’s okay to be unapologetic because your whole life up to this point is to live it for someone else. It’s okay to sacrifice time and energy but to live a whole life to fill someone’s expectations of what you should be? That’s not it dude. You deserve a little happiness and you deserve a break every now and then because if you don’t take a break you’ll burn out and you’ll end up at the bottom again. The bottom is not an illusion, it is a reality that you’ve experienced and lived through.

What hopes and dreams did your younger self had and why did it die? Did it die off because they were ridiculous and now you’ve grown, you have better hopes and dreams? Or did it die off because you gave it up and started to live life for someone else? You forgave people multiple times and now it’s about time you forgive yourself, listen to your needs because who else knows you better than yourself? There was a time you were free and lived life to your own rule, it was introduced to you by someone else and you liked it. Looking back at it, there was nothing wrong with that. Other people talks behind your back, throws shade at you for what you did but they did not know what you went through. Do you give a shit about what they think? You just don’t have the guts to say no because you think you might hurt someone but in reality, it’s hurting you more and you’re just waiting for the pressure to build up and pops in a spectacular manner which will hurt more people in the end. Maybe it’s time to accept that some things are not meant to happen.

I would rather you cut out a few people in your life rather than you cut yourself out of your own life and not live the life you want to live. I’d rather you make your own mistakes in life rather than have your life ruined by another person’s mistakes. You’ve been giving a lot of people advice and they’re in a much better place thanks to you, it is definitely time for you to listen to your own advice. No one wants to give you advice because you kept all the problems to yourself, standing tall and pushing through when things are not okay. On some days it is okay to push through but you need a break else you’d light up in a ball of flames.

I guess the takeaway is that, listen to yourself more. You know your priorities, you know what you need and you know what you want. Take care of yourself okay? Younger you is looking up to you and older you will be proud that you made it through all this.

Until then,

Emotionally Alone In The Middle Of The Sea

A few months ago I wrote about about how I will be learning something new due to a new role in my career. Indeed that new role has started and I am currently in an island made out of steel in the middle of nowhere. How did I end up here? Well it just takes one half an hour chopper flight and here I am, quite simple really.

It took me a while to get my orientation on this rig, I forgot where my office is every now and then. Going outside is dangerous, you’re exposed to high pressure hoses and lines, heavy objects dropping, heavy machineries crushing you and the likes. Situational awareness is crucial in a place like this. I met around 40+ new people in a day and of course, I forgot everyone’s name in an instant. People here takes care of each other, it really is like a one big dysfunctional family.

The more I hangout with the people here, the more I know about their story. Everyone is either married or have someone to talk to back at home. As for me? Not so much but it didn’t bother me…. Or at least that’s what I thought. The first few days were no problem, I had a lot of things to learn so no worries. Coming days, with the onset of second wave of COVID-19 and the whole country in lockdown, going home seems like a pipe dream with all the chopper home cancelled to keep infections at bay. I went to bed feeling alone that night.

My corner of the bed (or should I say bunk)

The thing about being new in a place where no one knows you is that you can’t really talk about how you really feel. I think it’s more of my own issue with opening up but honestly, I’m not kidding when I say people here look after each other. I started to open up more, was involved in more activities and people was just so inviting to share their experiences with me.

I’ve always said to myself; if I find a job, I don’t want to go offshore. It turns out, it’s not so bad once you go there. They look after you and you look after them. It’s simple really. Sometimes you might have a bad day because you get told off for not knowing the simple drilling terms but that’s okay, the people and the sunset talks to you.

Recreation corner, I learnt how to box here!

Just when I started to know the people here and learn the pace, I was told that due to the current rise in cases, they have to send me back return to my old team. I don’t know if I’ll miss this place or not but it’s definitely an experience that really made me see many things in a different way.

Until then,