Where do I begin? It was the sweetest hello after goodbye that was said. After that hello, things just got better. Have you ever had someone who came into your life and changed the way how you see things? In my case, there’s this girl who came out of nowhere, without mutual friends or even any connections in the past just came into my life. It felt surreal how my perspective in life was changed for the better, like seeing with own eyes for the first time. She’s back and I couldn’t be happier. The same thing happened this time around, made me improved my life and do things for the better; I found myself doing things that I loved with more meaning and purpose, I found myself trying to be better. Sometimes I do wonder how would my life be if she didn’t came into my life. But that’s a useless thought because things couldn’t be better now. I couldn’t even write properly in this post because of how happy and content I am. This blog used to be my outlet to deal with my very noisy inner thoughts but it seems that they have quiet down after all these things happening in my life. Maybe it’s time for me to shift this blog to be an appreciative blog where I can appreciate the things in my life. That’s a thought and let’s see how that will go.
I don’t have much to say other than I am the healthiest and happiest I have ever been in a long time. Thanks to those who wished me happiness, it seems that my happiness has manifested thanks to the good things you all did to me. I couldn’t tell you how much I appreciate the good thoughts and kind words and it seems like this post is now an apperciation post!
And just like that, 26 years of my life have become a memory. I have grown older and so are the people around my life. I have gained so much experience in such a short time that it feels like I have lived multiple lives. Some things change but some stays the same. My slight OCD and I think a potential ADD is still there but I have come to peace with them. My head is becoming a better place for me to be in and I have stopped overthinking at least for most of the time (5 years to get over that event, character building but it was sure a shit experience). The anxiety has subsided a bit but it’s still there and that’s okay, they are there because of a past experience and I am learning throughout.
27 years and thankfully there’s more reason for me to smile than to be sad. I think God threw me a curveball these past few years though; thinking I got it all figured out then shoved more people in my life to see that there’s more to life than what I thought there was. One particular curveball was definitely fate but I’ll keep the whole story to myself. You know, in a universe with endless possibilities; what are the odds that you meet another person…. nevermind, call it fate because there’s no use explaining it.
27 years and the look on my face is a bit more weathered and tired but that’s okay. It’s the rite of time and everyone has to go through it. I accept that one day I’ll wither away and I will make way for the new for that’s how things are. I don’t intend to live forever but I intend to live a long and fulfilling life and that’s already starting
27 years and my love for the people that matter to me are still going strong. I have not lost the very essence that made me who I am which is the kindness that lives and breathes as long as I am here. While not all the love that I gave was returned but that’s okay; I never expected anything in return from anyone and though some have naturally moved on (and passed on) I still kept true to myself by being kind. A bit of sidetrack, I do believe love is one thing that transcends life and death. Though I cannot hold their hands physically or hear their voices anymore; the love that I give them will never change.
27 years and things are pretty fun; I have a travel buddy and a tattoo buddy. Not many people can say that but hey I’m enjoying this ride so far, no pressure and just riding the wave as it comes. I need more of this in my life and I am grateful that I get to experience this.
27 years and the best is yet to come, like a symphony; my life has yet to reach its crescendo and I never know when will that come. I do know that I still have a lot to give and a lot more in my tank.
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
The most intimate thing I have ever done has nothing to do physically but rather to pray for someone. I keep those close to my heart in prayers and I act on those prayers myself. The most intimate thing I have ever done is to care, with my whole heart and to leave a piece of me behind. The most intimate thing I have ever done is to give the blessings that was given unto me to others. The most intimate thing I have ever done is to love.
(this was supposed to be posted earlier prior to the last post)
I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends!
It took a lot for me to go through this week. Just when I thought things were looking up; death comes knocking on my neighbour’s doors. My uncle is currently still in critical condition in the hospital. He is a chain smoker so I was always wondering how long he can keep this up and the answer was not for too long. I got the message that he suffered a stroke when I was abroad and it only took a few months for his condition to worsen. Now my uncle is also my dad’s cousin which means they’re pretty close. My dad always buys him breakfast for reasons I don’t know why. In an instant, my dad has one person less to go out every morning. Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in my dad’s mind; I remember my dad telling me stories of how he searched for my uncle when his ship sank. My dad went from Muara to Belait in his boat all day to find him. As the day got darker my dad decided to give it a last look at Labuan and he found him covered in a blanket; rescued just earlier by other fishermen. ]He survived around 8 hours in the sea clinging on to flotsam from his boat. 8 hours in the sea clinging for dear life. Sometimes you gotta admire the will to live for some people, maybe that’s why he became a chain smoker after that incident in his life. All these stories came flashing back when I saw him struggling in the hospital bed in pain.
I never liked the thought of death and what comes after it. I never liked the thought of dying. I am not afraid of anything but the process of dying and breathing one’s final breath. I have witnessed a number of dying processes and it was never a comfortable sight. Unfortunately, nobody can escape that and we all must go through it and also guide our loved ones through the process, making it as comfortable as it can be.
An old classmate texted me out of the blue asking me to hangout. I got awfully suspicious because I was never close him in the first place. Nevertheless, I agreed to meet him up and talk. We started to talk more and it turned out, his brother just passed away at a very young age of 32 to cancer. I stopped talking and couldn’t say a word beyond that. He told me after that happened, he just wanted to not waste his life and get to know people in his life while he can.
I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends.
These days I have been contemplating a lot about how I live my life. Let me explain it simply using a much more complicated analogy because I never go straight to the point. You see, building a house can be seen as analogous to living a life. A house is a long-term investment or it could be a liability but let’s not go there in terms of monetary value, this is not rich dad poor dad okay? But when you really think about it, building a house is similar to living a life, you spent a long time planning and building it and in the end, you live in it. Now I realize there are two ways to build a house;
The first method of building a house is that you lay the plans and foundation of a house to fit your needs. Plan a solid foundation, design your rooms and then buy the furniture to make it a home. A lot of people I know does this; they plan their lives around what they want and some even set an age to get married so that they can start a family at a certain age.
The second method of building a house is a rather unorthodox approach. The second method involves finding the furniture first and then building a house around it. Let’s say I see a nice couch and then I start imagining how my living room would fit like with the couch. In a nutshell; you plan your life across something you found or something that found you. Not many people I know live their life this way.
Now I am not going to say which method is best ad hominem but I am here to reflect on how I live my life. The way how I see it if my life is a house, I’d say I have a solid foundation good enough for earthquakes and sea level rise. The design of the house is not yet set in stone because I keep finding things I like along the way, I do know that I have a rough idea of what it looks like with what kind of furniture as the centrepiece. It is an unorthodox way of living but that’s what it is really. It would be nicer if someone was there to help me to build a house together though.
Not really the thought-provoking article you were hoping for but I thought it was nice to write this out as a note for myself and how I see things now in this present state of mind.
I have received flowers for the first time. For all the movie scenes that we are living in, I’ll always look forward to the next one. The best parts of my life include you. My heart is full, what more can I say?
Today was a strange day, not that it was strange in such a way that a lot of things happened but it’s the opposite of that. Today, nothing much happened but I had a calm and quiet day.
I got up early thanks to a text that woke me. It’s always nice to receive these texts if I’m being honest to myself. Went for a ride on my little modded Yamaha XSR155 and the cool winds of the morning gently woke me up. It feels like a second instinct that I just hopped on my bike, rode and smoothly shifted gears and weaved through potholes and traffic. Head empty and just became one with the bike. Arrived safely and got the little thing serviced, the little thing felt snappier than before after that.
Went home to learn how to cook from mum then went out to read and meet up with two friends. One friend who is a surgeon said hi to me and sat beside me on the bar end of the café, it almost sounds like a start of a joke “so a geologist and a surgeon walked into a bar…” but let’s not go there. We don’t get to meet much because of our schedules so this kind of catch-up was an infrequent occurrence. We talked about how we ended up where we are in our lives and because I’m me, I talked about where I am physically and mentally then.
I realized that I am in a better spot than where I was a few months ago. I allow things to happen to me rather than fighting hard to make them happen my way. I accept how things are and honestly I felt like I am the old me that I have left a long time ago. It feels like I am seeing an old friend whom I have forgotten but it’s actually just the old me that sees the world from a better perspective. I miss the old me but good to know that he’s still there. I talked more with my friend and I felt that I hit a few notes that triggered a deeper thought because she just stared into an empty space and looked as if she was processing what I have said. Well, either that or I bored her to death with my philosophy. It’s in these talks that sometimes you know more about yourself because you explained to the other party what happened to you in the past months/year. It puts you in a retrospective mood and that’s where you see how much you’ve grown since then.
It was uneventful as we decided to just keep quiet and read our respective kindle. But it’s these uneventful events that give me the headspace to think about what’s going on. I felt that I have grown up so much and since then have gotten kinder and less harsh to myself. It’s the quiet times where I find solace in myself.
Today is also the feast day of Saint Elijah. Biblically, Saint Elijah is one of the major prophets in the Old Testament. To me personally, there was a verse from the book of kings that resonated with me over the years;
All at once, a strong wind shook the mountain and shattered the rocks. But the Lord was not in the wind. Next, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 Then there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.
Finally, there was a gentle breeze, 13 and when Elijah heard it, he covered his face with his coat. He went out and stood at the entrance to the cave.
A voice asked, “Elijah, why are you here?”
1 Kings 19: 11-13 (NKJV)
There was a time when I was in the mountains a long time ago. I felt something when I reached the top and a gentle breeze swept over me. It was a strange feeling of calmness that I have never felt before. Weird enough when I came back and went to church, this verse was read and it stuck with me since then. Perhaps it was God or maybe it was just chemicals in my body that reacted in a certain way that made me calm, all I know is that small event led to a chain of introspective and reflective thoughts for myself. I never liked talking about religion because to me; you do what works for you and be nice to each other. Whether you believe in God or greater powers it’s up to you, as long as you find your peace then I’m happy for you.
“maybe this is your unhappy outlet” – what my partner in crime told me about my blog. I agree at one point that it was but I also want to write about how my friends made me feel wholesome, how I have so much love to give in this world and how I forgave those who wronged me. I feel like that side of me is coming back, maybe that side of me will start writing again.
Live a little life. I made that up from a book title I’m currently reading called “A Little Life”. I found myself living a bit more recently on the weekends because I’m always out on adventures with a partner in crime. Who would’ve thought it would turn out this way? Definitely not me. To live a little, I have to unlearn a few habits I brought over from the past. It’s like the Zen koan of the tea ceremony of the master and the disciple.
There was a Zen master named Nan-in and he was visited by a university professor
Being polite, he served the professor a cup of tea.
As he poured, the professor’s cup became full but he kept on pouring. As the professor watched the cup overflow, the professor said “the cup is full, no more tea can go in!”
Nan-in turned to the professor and said “Like the cup, you too are full of your opinions and speculations. How can I teach you unless you first empty your cup?”.
I came across this Zen koan (or parable) when I was in high school which was more than 10 years ago. Somehow it has stuck with me until now for no reason. Like the professor, my cup was full of the habits from my past and I have to empty it to learn a new perspective. I have gained an appreciation for learning new things recently. I learnt about what it means to trust and to be trusted so you can be yourself and not lose yourself. I learnt about respect not just for each other but for yourself and knowing your limits. I learnt about living a little in our own time and then coming together and spending time while feeling like ourselves to add on to each other’s experience. I feel like this is what I have been missing out on recently because I have not been feeling myself. I guess things did get better after I left and came back.
But was that the reason I am writing this? Not really. Despite all the good things that are happening to me right now, there’s always that voice at the back of my head that is constantly saying how long will this happiness last before it comes crashing down? It’s never easy to silence that voice but I am trying my best to start by denying that voice to get louder. That’s the reason for the title of this post; live a little life because I deserve it. I have been wishing for happiness for everyone and now I wish for happiness in my life without having to worry too much. Would you do me a favour and wish me a little bit of that happiness for me? Thank you.
I found this band today and I like one of the songs that I heard. Tried to find new songs from them but then I found out the whole band died in a car accident in Stockholm. Their vehicle fell from a bridge, I doubt it was anyone to blame but rest in peace to the lads. Your songs will live with your memory. The song that I heard was this one song called Call You Up. Long story short now I want someone to buy me flowers because nobody ever gave me flowers. Such a weird thing to say.
What a roller coaster of a post. Not sure if this post made any sense at all but I guess I just needed an outlet. These emotions shall pass with time. Maybe I’ll talk more about my tattoos next time. I have always been secretive about them.
Where to start, it’s 3am and I can’t sleep. This happened quite a number of times ever since I was a kid and I just can’t figure out why. Could it be the jet lag, insomnia, anxiety or the fact that I haven’t had a proper human face-to-face interaction for a long time? I couldn’t put a finger on it but all I know is that I can’t sleep.
Sorry, no pictures for the time being
Plenty of thoughts raced to my mind but none of them are beneficial. If I really think about it and that is why I have this blog, I don’t really have to worry about a lot of things and the things I worry about are outside of my control. These thoughts always come past midnight because it’s the loneliest time of the day for me. All my friends and families are asleep and there is really no one to talk about it with. Now I know I am more than capable of processing these thoughts but after midnight all the emotions and rationales are mixed up. The only thing I can say is that it does feel lonely at 3am lying on my bed just processing all my thoughts. I know I can just take a sleeping pill and go to bed but I am sure I will just sweep away the thing that is keeping me awake to a spot in the corner where I will eventually stumble upon again so I have to face it anyway.
Have you found a friend/partner to whom you can just speak what’s on your mind knowing that they won’t think of you as a bother or they’re genuinely interested in listening to you? If you have then keep them close, they don’t come often enough in a lifetime. And now I am thinking to myself, who do I feel the most comfortable talking to? It could be you who is reading this because again, only my closest friend gets to read this brain dump of mine. I’m sad guys, I don’t know why but I feel sad for some reason. Maybe it’s 3am and there’s no sunlight to supply me with vitamin D, maybe it’s the isolation (because I’m covid positive), maybe it’s a deeper underlying cause that I need to voice out or maybe it’s a combination of all of these that made me like this. I think the longer I write this post, the more clearer what is the problem that’s keeping me awake; I have my professional life under control (my career, finance, physical health & wellbeing… well I need to start going back to the gym again) but my social life (my emotions & relationship) are all over the place. Maybe this will be a start for me to look into that aspect and see how I can improve it but I know I have said this to myself so many times in the past posts but I REALLY need to start looking into it rather than thinking everything is fine (ofcourse, my inner voice tells me to take a leap of faith but hold it right there dude).
Anyway, in an hour or so my dad will wake up and he’ll make all sorts of noise so I guess I should get some rest. I do think my dad gets lonely in the early hours too especially now he’s in his advance retirement age and some of his friends has passed away and even some has lost the ability to speak properly. I wonder how things will be when I am in his shoes? These are the nonsense thoughts that comes to my brain this late at night.
I haven’t been writing a lot these past few months because I’m not currently in Brunei. I’ve been living abroad for a month and a half in The Netherlands while meeting a few other fellow geologists from different countries. And of course, that means whenever the sun sets here, you get to see the first light. Where do I start? Everything feels new because I have never been to this side of the world. Even the simplest things are different. Not saying that I am uncomfortable, I do appreciate different things and different views on a lot of things. Nonetheless, I did enjoy my time and stay here. There were a few realizations that I’d like to share with you (or to keep things consistent; mini epiphanies).
First realization: I don’t miss the place, I miss the moment in time at the place where everyone is there. Did this came as a surprise? No. I realized this way earlier around 5 years ago. After leaving here I realize I’ll miss the people and the time we spent together. All the conversations, the after work drinks, the time spent with one another and the impromptu ice cream run because one person feels like it. Simply put, when I come back again none of that will be the same but I do appreciate those moments because I realize it as it was going through. I took photos, I smiled and I will definitely remember those moments.
Second realization: I need to be more honest with myself. This happened over a phone call recently. In a nutshell, I don’t really know how to talk about how I feel (in fact, I never talk about my feelings) but somehow things always flows when I talk to this person. Which begs the question if I’m living my life for others or should I start living for myself? I know the answer is live for yourself but it’s so so difficult for me to do that, you really have no idea how much I struggle with that. I hate the idea of me hurting someone maybe that’s why I’m always saying yes. At the same time I do realize I’m afraid to be alone (holy cow, I have problems). Gah, this is such a complicated topic and I’m afraid I can’t put my thoughts properly in this post so that’s that. Sorry? But I have to take care of myself first 🙂
Third realization: If someone appreciates you; they let you be yourself, not their idealized version of yourself. Again, this happened on the same phone call. Self explanatory isn’t it? If your partner appreciates you then they’ll understand who you are. I saw a few old couples giving PDA here and I thought to myself “hey, I want to do that with my wife when I’m older too”. Wow plenty of relationship talks eh? Must be the right time I guess.
Fourth realization: I miss my friends, and that includes you! Obvs my closest friends know who I am because the link to this blog is only given to my closest friends (or random strangers from wordpress, hello there!). I can’t wait to see y’all face to face and spend time again. It’s okay I’m flying back soon!
Fifth realization: I need to make up my mind and be more decisive. Know what I want and go for it. Want that car? Work smart for it. Want to move? Make connections. Like something? Go for it.
Alright, I can only write so much on my phone but as usual. Thanks for reading my brain dump. I’ll probably write more when I’m home!
Exploration Cycles 