That Elvis Chapel

Hey blog, sorry I haven’t written in a while. Life’s has been pretty tough with everything that’s going on. Where to start? I’m still working in the middle of the sea, someone close to me passed and I was supposed to be engaged. The last part? Oh, that happened last year but I had a dream and it felt like yesterday again.

Yeah I was supposed to be someone’s fiancé but that obvs did not happen. Hell, I was ready to settle down to this new life and I even sorted out the shit in my life. I was on track to settle down with one person but you know how the old saying goes; it takes two to tango. I guess I was so ready that I didn’t see that the other person isn’t ready. The engagement proposal came down quickly as it started. Sucks because that was the happiest I have ever been. I think accepting it was a slow realization, similar to the 5 stages of grief. I was in an all time high but when it was over I was keeping my composure. Then I started working in a remote location and that’s where the loneliness hits me, in the past I see myself coming back from the isolation to my fiancée but yeah that didn’t happen. The loneliness was crushing and I cried myself to sleep everyday (because I work in nights, I sleep in the day). Every time I lay in bed the thought if it came over and swallows me like a big rolling wave, drowning me in my sadness and the pain pierces through my chest. I told God to stop the pain but God had other plans for me I guess. This happened for a week or more and then I got tired of my emotions.

I didn’t want the pain to feel numb because that’s what’s left of my supposed to be engagement. Weird isn’t it that I didn’t want to let go? This kept going on for quite a while and I wallowed in my sadness without letting others see it. When I got back on land, I saw the ring and I wore it. This was supposed to be a promise, no matter how far apart we are, we still belonged to each other and I will always return to her. Memories of us deciding on the ring came back but I always get pulled back to reality. It hurts every time I think about the Las Vegas trip that we were planning. At the time I got a girl who was crazy enough to go to Vegas with me and get hitched in an Elvis Chapel, man that Elvis Chapel. She had me when she agreed on the Elvis Chapel. I was literally on top of the world and nothing else mattered anymore.

The pain subsided and I did felt numb after, I naturally accepted the fact that I went through a failed engagement but that’s alright. She did asked for the ring back and paid for it, returned all my stuff (man, deja vu) but I guess that’s not the first time we had to do this and I’m sure we did it with someone else also. How did I carried forward after that? I took care of myself and listened to myself. I didn’t do any reckless thing because I want a fulfilling life and to have a fulfilling life is to have enough, not wanting for more. I didn’t sleep around because I don’t want to partake in anything that will fuck up my mind and even worse, fuck up another party. I quit drinking because I respected myself and I don’t want to abuse my body through those. I chose my tattoos carefully because I want an art gallery on my body and I want my body to be as beautiful and to tell a story like the Sistine Chapel. I hit the gym hard, pushed through my mental barrier until my body failed to see my physical capability (and I am also sculpted like what Michaelangelo worked on). I went to fulfill my promises and met my friends whom I said goodbye years ago. I spent time with my blood and not-blood cousins and we promised to take care of each other. My bank account is also filthy so I get to say things like “you forgot, I’m rich now” to my cousins when I take them out for dinner so that’s nice too.

Yeah, I went through a failed engagement. I didn’t hate her or anything though because she deserves to make her own decisions too. I realized I love her enough to know to let go. That love stayed the same and I didn’t asked her to come back. I guess that’s emotional maturity for ya. Sigh, I’ll just do it again. But this time, more carefully 🙂