It’s always hard to start writing. Something about a blank page with no words is so daunting and scary. I know that today I want to write about how I felt the need to forgive myself for being too harsh on myself. I kept telling myself to stop thinking of the past and just move on but in reality, I realized that the things in the past were as real as the moment I am living in right now and I cannot just leave it just like that. I don’t look back in sadness anymore which is a good sign of growth. There’s this saying that you cannot live while thinking of the past because it will just cause you sadness and you cannot think about the future too often because you will be anxious all the time. So indeed the present is the best time to live but also to acknowledge the past and to look forward to the future. There are a few things that I acknowledge in my past that will affect my future;
The first thing is that I have decided to quit hard alcohol and drinking in general. While I do still enjoy wine with a good dinner and company, that’s about as much alcohol as I will consume. I acknowledge that in the past I had enjoyed alcohol but in the present, I respect my body and I get a better thrill (or serotonin boost) from lifting heavy weights and boxing. Fine-tuning my body in such a way that I am always the best version of myself every single day gives me the satisfaction that alcohol could not ever give me.
Secondly, I acknowledge that I am still learning in the school emotional maturity. In the past or even in the near past; I realized that I thought I was emotionally mature but in reality, I still have a lot to learn. But that’s okay because nobody ever thought us this right? I will learn to be more emotionally mature; I will have the capacity to explain myself in such a way that the other person can understand clearly what upsets me and why I was upset without feeling the need to sulk. I will have the capacity to stay calm and not to assume the worst every single time, this will take time as I have to unlearn a lot of things. Finally, I will have the capacity to be vulnerable as to love someone means to be open to being hurt. I will not be embarrassed by my vulnerability even though I have been hurt because there is nothing wrong with my tears but in turn, I acknowledge that the other party needs help hence why the actions they did. I will give myself months to learn this emotional literacy for no one taught me how to be emotionally literate, I did see glimpses of these emotional literacies but I do know that I will practice it every day to be a better person.
Thirdly and lastly, I acknowledge that I am loved. And I hope that no matter how unlovable you think you are or if you ever think that you do not even deserve love; you are wrong. Be kinder to yourself, I can say that to you and myself.
You made it to the end! Here’s a song for you. This will be the song I will sing to my wife every single day in my head (hell yeah your boy will be a dedicated husband one day, I just know that I will be dedicated and devoted and there’s no question about it!!!)
Until then,
Exploration Cycles 