Feast day of Saint Elijah

Today was a strange day, not that it was strange in such a way that a lot of things happened but it’s the opposite of that. Today, nothing much happened but I had a calm and quiet day.

I got up early thanks to a text that woke me. It’s always nice to receive these texts if I’m being honest to myself. Went for a ride on my little modded Yamaha XSR155 and the cool winds of the morning gently woke me up. It feels like a second instinct that I just hopped on my bike, rode and smoothly shifted gears and weaved through potholes and traffic. Head empty and just became one with the bike. Arrived safely and got the little thing serviced, the little thing felt snappier than before after that.

Went home to learn how to cook from mum then went out to read and meet up with two friends. One friend who is a surgeon said hi to me and sat beside me on the bar end of the café, it almost sounds like a start of a joke “so a geologist and a surgeon walked into a bar…” but let’s not go there. We don’t get to meet much because of our schedules so this kind of catch-up was an infrequent occurrence. We talked about how we ended up where we are in our lives and because I’m me, I talked about where I am physically and mentally then.

I realized that I am in a better spot than where I was a few months ago. I allow things to happen to me rather than fighting hard to make them happen my way. I accept how things are and honestly I felt like I am the old me that I have left a long time ago. It feels like I am seeing an old friend whom I have forgotten but it’s actually just the old me that sees the world from a better perspective. I miss the old me but good to know that he’s still there. I talked more with my friend and I felt that I hit a few notes that triggered a deeper thought because she just stared into an empty space and looked as if she was processing what I have said. Well, either that or I bored her to death with my philosophy. It’s in these talks that sometimes you know more about yourself because you explained to the other party what happened to you in the past months/year. It puts you in a retrospective mood and that’s where you see how much you’ve grown since then.

It was uneventful as we decided to just keep quiet and read our respective kindle. But it’s these uneventful events that give me the headspace to think about what’s going on. I felt that I have grown up so much and since then have gotten kinder and less harsh to myself. It’s the quiet times where I find solace in myself.

Today is also the feast day of Saint Elijah. Biblically, Saint Elijah is one of the major prophets in the Old Testament. To me personally, there was a verse from the book of kings that resonated with me over the years;

All at once, a strong wind shook the mountain and shattered the rocks. But the Lord was not in the wind. Next, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² Then there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.

Finally, there was a gentle breeze, ¹³ and when Elijah heard it, he covered his face with his coat. He went out and stood at the entrance to the cave.

A voice asked, “Elijah, why are you here?”

1 Kings 19: 11-13 (NKJV)

There was a time when I was in the mountains a long time ago. I felt something when I reached the top and a gentle breeze swept over me. It was a strange feeling of calmness that I have never felt before. Weird enough when I came back and went to church, this verse was read and it stuck with me since then. Perhaps it was God or maybe it was just chemicals in my body that reacted in a certain way that made me calm, all I know is that small event led to a chain of introspective and reflective thoughts for myself. I never liked talking about religion because to me; you do what works for you and be nice to each other. Whether you believe in God or greater powers it’s up to you, as long as you find your peace then I’m happy for you.

“maybe this is your unhappy outlet” – what my partner in crime told me about my blog. I agree at one point that it was but I also want to write about how my friends made me feel wholesome, how I have so much love to give in this world and how I forgave those who wronged me. I feel like that side of me is coming back, maybe that side of me will start writing again.

Perhaps the gentle breeze did come over me today.

Until then,

Lose a little & live a little life

Live a little life. I made that up from a book title I’m currently reading called “A Little Life”. I found myself living a bit more recently on the weekends because I’m always out on adventures with a partner in crime. Who would’ve thought it would turn out this way? Definitely not me. To live a little, I have to unlearn a few habits I brought over from the past. It’s like the Zen koan of the tea ceremony of the master and the disciple.

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There was a Zen master named Nan-in and he was visited by a university professor

Being polite, he served the professor a cup of tea.

As he poured, the professor’s cup became full but he kept on pouring. As the professor watched the cup overflow, the professor said “the cup is full, no more tea can go in!”

Nan-in turned to the professor and said “Like the cup, you too are full of your opinions and speculations. How can I teach you unless you first empty your cup?”.

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I came across this Zen koan (or parable) when I was in high school which was more than 10 years ago. Somehow it has stuck with me until now for no reason. Like the professor, my cup was full of the habits from my past and I have to empty it to learn a new perspective. I have gained an appreciation for learning new things recently. I learnt about what it means to trust and to be trusted so you can be yourself and not lose yourself. I learnt about respect not just for each other but for yourself and knowing your limits. I learnt about living a little in our own time and then coming together and spending time while feeling like ourselves to add on to each other’s experience. I feel like this is what I have been missing out on recently because I have not been feeling myself. I guess things did get better after I left and came back.

But was that the reason I am writing this? Not really. Despite all the good things that are happening to me right now, there’s always that voice at the back of my head that is constantly saying how long will this happiness last before it comes crashing down? It’s never easy to silence that voice but I am trying my best to start by denying that voice to get louder. That’s the reason for the title of this post; live a little life because I deserve it. I have been wishing for happiness for everyone and now I wish for happiness in my life without having to worry too much. Would you do me a favour and wish me a little bit of that happiness for me? Thank you.

I found this band today and I like one of the songs that I heard. Tried to find new songs from them but then I found out the whole band died in a car accident in Stockholm. Their vehicle fell from a bridge, I doubt it was anyone to blame but rest in peace to the lads. Your songs will live with your memory. The song that I heard was this one song called Call You Up. Long story short now I want someone to buy me flowers because nobody ever gave me flowers. Such a weird thing to say.

What a roller coaster of a post. Not sure if this post made any sense at all but I guess I just needed an outlet. These emotions shall pass with time. Maybe I’ll talk more about my tattoos next time. I have always been secretive about them.

Until then,