The Constant Chase

I don’t want to downplay anything but I had a pretty shit 3 weeks because it was riddled by a course that I need to pass on top of my day job. Yesterday was officially the last day and I’m finally done, it felt like the end of a season of your series. That’s it? All the work and the late nights condensed into a 30-minute presentation. Although, that is the reality isn’t it? You do a few months’ worths of work and in the end, it boils down to just an hour and a half worth of presentation. Such is the reality of work. I am writing this piece in order to remember the conversation I had with my friend after I delivered my work presentation and finished work at 6:30 PM.

The conversation made me realized that I am constantly chasing, although not as intense as before but I am still chasing for something. I specifically chose the word “something” because there are many things I am chasing at once. We talked about the options to buy a house in this market, where will we go with our career and on family. Obviously, the last point doesn’t really apply to me because to those who do not know this yet, I don’t think I want to have kids. Not in this environment anyway, where the future is not as bright as it is, it’s tough for me and I’m pretty sure it’s going to get tougher for my kids (theoretical kids hah). But on the topics which are much closer to home; house and career, is this the right time to jump into the housing market or should I wait for it to crash? Realistically I can get a loan from the bank if I want to buy a house but that will leave me broke every month for 20 years. My job used to be classified as a “good-paying” job but that’s just not the case anymore in this day and age. Do you remember in my last post when I mentioned the next phase of life? I have been warming up to the thought of settling down even more because it makes more sense to partner up with someone who wants to take the same path you are taking. Shared experiences (!!!), conversations, expenses and the whole package makes going through this life better. Well, at least that’s how I see it now. Then again, you won’t know how it is until you take a dive or rather, a leap of faith to the next phase of life.

I’m not saying that I want to settle down ASAP, I’m saying that I am okay with the option of settling down. I wonder if future me will look back at what I am writing today and said that I worry too much. Maybe I will and maybe I’ll be reading this with whoever my wife will be (or alone, I really don’t mind as long as I am happy with my decision but I know for sure I am not gay hahaha). There is however a sense of urgency to keep a steady source of income because living ain’t free. Again, I am okay with that because if I have a reason to work and earn money then it’s definitely worth it. My career can change and I’m okay with that, I’m glad that I am working as a geologist which is a topic that fulfils my curious mind but at the same time I am also open to a career of imparting knowledge or even working on my own business whatever it may be!

Anyhow, I don’t want to dwell on it too long because I gotta live in the now rather than the past or the future. As long as I am open to whatever comes and as long as I listen to myself on the decisions I will make then what do I have to worry about? Hey, since you made it this far in the post, here’s a song that I have been listening to on repeat.

Until then,

Stop, recalibrate and begin again.

March, what a month. I have been writing pretty consistently this month partly because there’s a lot in my mind and partly because I got new keyswitches for my split keyboard so it sounds extra poppy and with good tactical feedback (inside joke, u won’t get it). This blog has been a good outlet for me to explore my emotions, memories and feelings in a way I can never do without writing. I’ve always wanted to express myself eloquently or at least describe my emotions fluently and I find that writing is a suitable method for me to do so. I do try to express myself better in real life too, to be “authentic”. I do notice that it only happens when I’m enjoying myself and also it happens naturally when I hang out with this one person.

Do you recall my last post? If you don’t it’s just right there, it was a pretty stressful post but I guess what I really need is to recalibrate myself. Just like coffee, if it doesn’t taste nice then it’s time to check your grind size, weight, tamping, distribution, channelling and try again. That’s exactly what I have been doing recently, listening to myself and talking to someone about it. On a parking spot overlooking a bridge is where the conversation happened, it does feel like a movie (maybe a 3.0/10 movie on IMDB) or an anime except my car is not a GR86 yet.

Sometimes all you need is a drive and something to do with someone to stop all the noise, hecticness and questions that come from life. A time when you can let down your guard, walls and masks and yet still be able to smile and laugh. That was part of the recalibration, another part was that I listened to my old playlist, found old poems that I liked to read and other things that made me who I am today. Songs not on dreams of ideal, but rather adorns love after the lustre has faded, poetry by E. E. Cummings, photos from photographers I look up to, CDs of albums which I listened to repeatedly, books that I read which made me see things in a different perspective. Rediscovering all this made me realize that I am way out of tune and I am glad I know that.

Now is the time for me to begin again. Those items belonged to a phase of life which has ended and had served its purpose, it doesn’t mean that I have to leave those things. By all means no, they’re part of who I am and what made me. I’ll bring them together with me and maybe future me will have a better sense of appreciation and a new perspective of the things that old me likes.

Maybe my cup of coffee right now doesn’t taste good but I can always refer to my old recipes and find out what made it great in the first place. Maybe the next cup of coffee will not taste as good as how I used to brew them but I would appreciate the subtle changes. Maybe someone will like the way how I brew my coffee and we’ll brew better coffee together. Maybe, just maybe my next phase of life is already in the making, preparing in the background without me knowing.

Until then,

Still reading? Here’s a song for you.

Whatever it was, it is not the same anymore.

This is going to be a tough one. Honestly, I’ve been feeling terrible these past few days. Maybe that’s why March is such a busy time to blog. Just when you thought things were going well and it turns out it didn’t, it was fine for me but apparently not other people. Maybe I’ve been taking care of people’s feelings for such a long time that I forgot to take care of my own feelings. Maybe things happen for a reason, I feel like shit because I need to take care of myself more. But haven’t I done that already? I took care of myself, slept well, went to the gym and ate well. Maybe that’s not the self-care I need, maybe I need to listen to myself more that’s why I am writing this post for myself.

Listen myself, you worked your way up to here with your own discipline and determination. Those experiences shaped who you are, not many managed to walk in your steps and made it where you are. Sometimes it’s okay to be unapologetic because your whole life up to this point is to live it for someone else. It’s okay to sacrifice time and energy but to live a whole life to fill someone’s expectations of what you should be? That’s not it dude. You deserve a little happiness and you deserve a break every now and then because if you don’t take a break you’ll burn out and you’ll end up at the bottom again. The bottom is not an illusion, it is a reality that you’ve experienced and lived through.

What hopes and dreams did your younger self had and why did it die? Did it die off because they were ridiculous and now you’ve grown, you have better hopes and dreams? Or did it die off because you gave it up and started to live life for someone else? You forgave people multiple times and now it’s about time you forgive yourself, listen to your needs because who else knows you better than yourself? There was a time you were free and lived life to your own rule, it was introduced to you by someone else and you liked it. Looking back at it, there was nothing wrong with that. Other people talks behind your back, throws shade at you for what you did but they did not know what you went through. Do you give a shit about what they think? You just don’t have the guts to say no because you think you might hurt someone but in reality, it’s hurting you more and you’re just waiting for the pressure to build up and pops in a spectacular manner which will hurt more people in the end. Maybe it’s time to accept that some things are not meant to happen.

I would rather you cut out a few people in your life rather than you cut yourself out of your own life and not live the life you want to live. I’d rather you make your own mistakes in life rather than have your life ruined by another person’s mistakes. You’ve been giving a lot of people advice and they’re in a much better place thanks to you, it is definitely time for you to listen to your own advice. No one wants to give you advice because you kept all the problems to yourself, standing tall and pushing through when things are not okay. On some days it is okay to push through but you need a break else you’d light up in a ball of flames.

I guess the takeaway is that, listen to yourself more. You know your priorities, you know what you need and you know what you want. Take care of yourself okay? Younger you is looking up to you and older you will be proud that you made it through all this.

Until then,

The Dilemma of a Geologist

There has been a lot of talks recently about what I want to do with my career. It came out during a 1-to-1 talk with my team lead, asking me where I would like to be in my career path. Then they assign me a mentor who holds a really high ranking in the international company and I basically don’t know where to go. He gave me 3 options;

1. To stay in a technical path and be really good at what I am doing
2. To consider a managerial path in my career
3. To specialize as a specialist geoscientist i.e; Geochemist, Pore Pressure Predictor, Sedimentologist etc.

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Unfortunately, that’s the nature of the business. You can’t stay in your comfort place forever because it’s an ever-changing environment and the price of oil & gas fluctuates. You have to be nimble enough and adaptable to changes otherwise you’d just be laid-off or replaced, similar to what geology taught me; even the most complex and smartest being will eventually end up extinct while the one which can evolve or adapt will continue on. I’m pretty sure this is applicable to most of us with a job, there’s always that thought on the back of your head on what if you’ll be replaced or laid-off.

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So which option did I choose? I don’t think it matters that much right now as things might change and perspectives might change. I do want a career where I get to keep using my geological knowledge or any of my skills. Then again, learning something new is not that bad anyway; I’ll take anything that comes my way. I guess until the day I have to make a decision, I’ll keep upscaling myself as much as I can be provided I don’t get burnt out. Where will I end up 5 years from now? I have no idea but at the time I am writing this post, I am still in a junior position and there’s not much I can say other than follow the set path for 3 more years then I can decide for myself.

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What’s also surprising is how open some people are in the company talking about finding work outside the industry and to me that is very much refreshing and it does make you take a step back and think about where do you want your life to go. There’s life outside of your work and that’s your own life. Sure you might like what you do but only a select few will be able to wake up enthusiastically and go to their office job every day 8 to 5 for the rest of their youthful life. I don’t know the answer for myself or if there is even an answer, maybe it’s just a journey to enjoy and that is good enough for me. The way how I see it; I am pretty much set for the long run, stable career (for now), good health, a coffee business that churns out not much but an okay amount.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 1986

Well, looks like I gotta start livin’ a little. Take care will ya?

Until then,

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Coffee Roasting; A Case of Missing Identity.

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You might know this or you might not but I started roasting coffee beans on my own this year. You might question me why out of all things that I want to roast coffee beans but I actually really like coffee and not in a snob-ish type of way (trust me, the coffee scene is quite mental with a lot of beef going on in between roasted bean suppliers, café owners and even people who love coffee but always tries to one-up other people.)

Unfortunately, I personally have been attacked by one of these “coffee-lovers” on how there’s no way my roast can be better then other roasters. It’s a bit strange here in Brunei that if you want to make a name for yourself, you have to do it outside of the country first and then go into the market here. There’s something about Bruneians (generalizing) that I don’t quite understand in a way that they cannot watch a fellow Bruneian succeed but they would hype and support other business from another country thinking that a local start up business cannot compare with those overseas.

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Could this attitude be caused by a lack of pride? Why are Bruneians always looking up to people from overseas while in my opinion as human beings we are all equal (well physically that’s a matter of debate but I don’t want to go into biology on why our national football team kept losing). Can’t we just shift our mindset that we can learn any skill and potentially be a pioneer on a certain subject matter? I guess it has to start with me but I can definitely for sure expect people who will talk down to me.

Looking at the past, South East Asia is home to one of the most complex culinary dishes. We use a lot of spices and experiment with different combinations, just look at Peranakan food! I guess nowadays people are trying to grasp this concept of “foreign is better” because they found out that what they grew up with is boring and that it is better to be left in the past.

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I guess what am I looking for is identity. I want my roasts to have this either distinct or subtle identity that people can recognize that it comes specifically from this part of the world. It might not win any awards now but one day people might look back and see that it is unique, rather than blending in like the rest of the world. That was quite a rant but this also serves as a note to myself to stick to my principles and that I can learn any skill and be good at it or even push with an unorthodox approach. Maybe you too could be a pioneer in your own field or your own lifestyle.

Until then,

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